an old man & his shoes

So I'm walking down the street today when I'm stopped by an old man on a park bench. He turns to me and asks, "Say young man, what day is it?"
I replied to him, "Well sir, it's Saturday the 13th." It was right then I noticed he had no feet but instead tubes of toothpaste. I felt obliged to inform him of this.
"Excuse me for being frank, but it appears as though there is something wrong with your shoes."
"I beg your pardon?" It didn't seem unusual to him. I thought I must reiterate my concern.
"Your feet. There are tubes of toothpaste on them." His eyes gazed off into the distance for a brief moment before they focused back onto mine but this time with a determination not seen before.
"Those are not my feet...THESE are my feet!" He lunged at me using all the old man strength in his wrinkled up, prune-like form and tackled me into a row of nearby bushes knocking me unconscious.
After waking up an undeclared amount of hours later, I came to find my pants missing and my fingernails a mess - which was rather unfortunate and ironic, for my run-in had made me late to the National Association of Cleanliness & Pantaloon Enthusiasts Gala Ball.